What is Relational Trauma?
Relational trauma, also referred to as interpersonal trauma, happens when a person close to you causes you significant harm. Relational trauma includes incidents of abuse, neglect, enmeshment, or boundary crossing. It can occur at any age but accounts for over half the reported incidents among children.
Even years after the trauma has ended, these incidents can have a significant impact on your mental health. Survivors may struggle with low self-esteem, emotional regulation, and emotional intimacy. But there is hope, and full recovery is possible.
Through therapy, you can process your trauma so that these negative experiences no longer rule your life. Recovery from trauma doesn’t mean you “just get over it.” Instead, it is a personal journey that involves courageously facing your past, learning to be kind to yourself, and forging a new path toward healing.
In this article, we will dive deeper into relational trauma, exploring what it is, its effects on your mental health, and what types of psychotherapy are effective in supporting lasting healing.
Defining Relational Trauma
In childhood, relational trauma occurs when someone with power over you causes you harm. This could be a parent, caregiver, relative, or teacher. More often than not, relational trauma in childhood was repeated for an extended period of time.
We have relationships across our lifespan, which means traumatic relational experiences can also impact adults. In adulthood, interpersonal trauma is typically seen between romantic partners but could also be inflicted by parents, friends, colleagues, or bosses. If you experienced relational trauma as a child, you may notice the pattern repeating in your adult relationships. This may be because you weren’t given the opportunity as a child to develop a healthy view of relationships.
Whether you experienced relational trauma as a child, adult, or both, the effects can be long-lasting. Because this type of trauma is rooted in your relationships, it can impact your sense of self, views on intimacy, and ability to trust others. However, this doesn’t mean that healing isn’t possible. The first step is understanding what you’re struggling with so that you can find the support you need to move toward change.
Examples of Relational Trauma
Neglect is when a parent or caregiver fails to provide your basic needs. It can look like:
Not being given food, clothing, or proper shelter
Not being given the opportunity to enroll in or attend school
Not being given medical or mental health care when needed
Being left alone, ignored, or rejected
Failing to provide emotional support or affection
Enmeshment occurs when family members lack boundaries and don’t allow you to develop individual autonomy. It can look like:
Parents being overly involved in your life and not letting you develop independence
A lack of privacy or independence
Being entangled in your family members’ emotions or identities
One family member’s feelings becoming everyone’s experience
Abandonment is when you abruptly lose or are rejected by a significant person in your life. It can look like:
An unexpected breakup or divorce
Early rejection or abandonment from a parent or caregiver
Death of someone close to you
Betrayal of trust happens when a trusted person does something hurtful to you that causes a loss of respect. It can look like:
Dishonesty
Harmful disclosure of information shared in confidence
Infidelity
Inconsistent attachment figures provide for your needs in unpredictable or unreliable ways. This can look like:
Parents or caregivers who switch between being loving and emotionally unavailable
Parents or caregivers who are overbearing and intrude on your thoughts or feelings
Parents and caregivers who neglect your needs to fulfill their own
Abuse happens when you are treated cruelly or violently. There are many categories of abuse, including but not limited to:
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Financial
Relational Trauma’s Impact
Relational trauma can have a long-lasting impact on your relationships and well-being. Below, we will explore some of the ways that the effects of relational trauma show up. If you notice yourself in these examples, I hope it can show you that you are not alone while also giving you insight into the root of these struggles.
Insecure Attachments
An insecure attachment style happens when you don’t have a secure emotional base in relationships. It is characterized by an inability to trust others or fully connect in relationships. An insecure attachment style can make you feel anxious about getting close to people and cause you to act in ways that push people away.
Low Self-Esteem
Trauma impacts your view of yourself. It can alter your inner beliefs, making you think you are unlovable or flawed, which in turn can lead to low self-esteem. Low self-esteem can leave you unable to take risks that could propel you forward, leaving you feeling stuck and unhappy.
Emotional Dysregulation
Emotional dysregulation happens when you feel emotions intensely but cannot effectively cope with them. Dsyreglation can lead to struggles in relationships and other areas of your life because you’re left feeling incapable of managing situations that could spark difficult emotions. Struggling with emotional regulation is also known to occur together with other mental health struggles, such as anxiety and depression.
Struggles with Emotional Intimacy
Relational trauma is known to cause issues with emotional intimacy later in life. This makes sense. When you are hurt by people close to you, your brain works hard to protect you from this in the future. You may notice difficulty being vulnerable with others or a tendency toward co-dependent relationships. These are ways in which your nervous system is trying to protect you. However, emotional intimacy is necessary for deep, meaningful relationships.
Repeated Patterns
Repeating patterns happen when you knowingly or unknowingly return to old cycles that have occurred in the past. You may find yourself trapped in relationships where the abuse you experienced as a child replays in adulthood. Trauma rewires your brain and keeps you stuck in a fight or flight response. You may find yourself drawn to these types of relationships because you have been stuck in a fight or flight response for so long that it feels familiar to return to what you know.
Overcoming Relational Trauma
Relational trauma’s impact can be overcome, and you can go on to live a meaningful life. Neuroplasticity is our brain's ability to rewire and function in new ways. Through therapy, you can learn how to form new neural networks—or new ways of thinking and responding to your emotions—that align with your goals for recovery.
There are many different routes you can take in therapy, as several modalities are proven to be effective in treating relational trauma. There is no way to heal, and what might work for one person may not be the best route for you. However, a great first step is finding a therapist you connect with because together, you can work on finding an approach that works for your recovery.
Find a Trauma Therapist in Seattle
If you’re struggling with the impact of relational trauma, Thrive for the People has a team of therapists trained in evidence-based approaches. During a free consultation call, one of our therapists can learn more about you and offer suggestions for beginning your recovery journey.
